Sunday, May 3, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th May 2009

December 2nd - February 19th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

February 20th - March 9th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Monday.

March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

June 3rd - July 25th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

July 27th - August 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

August 20th - October 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

October 1st - October 29th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Sunday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

October 30th - December 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

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