Sunday, April 5, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th April 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A pretty young woman connected to the number 53 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with your partner behind your back? Don't be hearbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Remember, your lips are sealed.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug
July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record will be rejected. Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Tuesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

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