Sunday, April 12, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th April 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 16 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

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