Sunday, September 20, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 36, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Avoid the kung po chicken.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. The number 92 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing black. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

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