Sunday, September 27, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Hook up with an octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 80, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Go easy on the chili sauce this weak.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

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