Sunday, September 13, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Hook up with an octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

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