Sunday, September 6, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. The number 73 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and *then* go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Should you wear white on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Friday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

No comments: