Sunday, October 4, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. On Thursday, the color green, the number 49 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug
July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Invite a squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Go easy on the chili sauce this week.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

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