Sunday, October 11, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A man connected with the number 77 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Meet up with a squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Avoid the number 93 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a long as I pass out the other end". There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 20 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

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