Sunday, October 18, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A man connected with the number 79 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record will be rejected. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

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