Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th February 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
On Thursday, the number 54 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A man connected with the number 47 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 29, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.