Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th February 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 55. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Thursday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Oprah Winfrey, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.