Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th February 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
In a parallel universe you were born as Vincent Van Gogh. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.