Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th May 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Lewis Carrol in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. The number 92 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.