Sunday, May 27, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th May 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as General Norman Schwarzkopf and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility idiot. You have dandruff, do something about it! Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. On Saturday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Should you wear pink on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

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