On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Mohammad Ali and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 38. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 98 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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