You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 36. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Should you wear orange on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You are not Abraham Lincoln, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid the number 89 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment