Monday, August 6, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th August 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Leonardo Da Vinci will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like George Clooney, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

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