Sunday, July 8, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th July 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

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