Sunday, April 21, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd April 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility idiot. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

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