Sunday, April 7, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th April 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Elvis Presley will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. The number 22 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. On Monday night you will dream of being Spider Man. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility idiot. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A man connected with the number 95 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Herman Cain a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

No comments: