Sunday, May 19, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th May 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 0 feet, but no more than a mile. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Yogi Berra. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record will be rejected. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

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