Sunday, May 12, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th May 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A pretty young woman connected to the number 21 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 1. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You will go to an auction on Thursday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. The number 0 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Tom Brokaw, Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Charles Everett Koop a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

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