Sunday, June 2, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? On Saturday, the color pink, the number 43 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Avoid the number 63 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a long as I pass out the other end". You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When you and a Limpet get together on Saturday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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