Sunday, June 23, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th June 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

On Saturday, the number 81 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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