Sunday, June 9, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th June 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. On Friday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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