Sunday, June 30, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. On Thursday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Arthur Ashe. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Leonardo Da Vinci then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. The number 16 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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