Monday, February 2, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd February 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Weird Al Yankovick, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Friday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you wear red on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. On Friday night you will dream of being Abraham Lincoln. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Clint Eastwood at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 27, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Martin Luther King will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

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