Monday, June 29, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th June 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If you see anybody this week who looks like Herman Cain, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jim Carrey, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 30, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

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