Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th February 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like James Taylor, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Thursday who looks at all like Mark Twain, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 41 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.