Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th March 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Gloria Steinem, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Harrison Ford, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.