Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st March 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 37 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 63. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.