Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th April 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Peter Jennings. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Get out and enjoy life on Tuesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.