Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th September 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A man connected with the number 60 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Julia Child, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 4 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.