Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th November 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Thomas Edison and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You are not Alexander Graham Bell, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.