Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th November 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On Monday, the color pink, the number 85 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Weird Al Yankovick, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.