Sunday, November 5, 2017

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th November 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why will the color blue be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record will be rejected. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Walt Disney. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A man connected with the number 16 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

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