Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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