Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th February 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A man connected with the number 54 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.