Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th March 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Hank Aaron, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you see anybody this week who looks like Louis Pasteur, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Take extra special care on Saturday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.