Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th March 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Clint Eastwood and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You are not Lucille Ball, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. The number 7 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Mohammad Ali then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something about the number 22 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.