Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th March 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). On Monday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Should you wear green on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Mahatma Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.