Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Henri Mancini in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Hanging out with a Scallop on Friday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Edgar Allen Poe will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 98. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 28, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Margaret Thatcher will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.