Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th June 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Saturday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something about the number 7 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.