Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you see anybody this week who looks like Dan Aykroyd, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Alicia Silverstone in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
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