Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Darth Vader, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 72 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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