You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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