Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 40 feet, but no more than a mile. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Wednesday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You are not Meryl Streep, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Doris Day in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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