Sunday, January 29, 2023

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th January 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.


The Slug July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You have dandruff, do something about it!


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Phil Donahue driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.


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