Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. On Sunday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid the number 34 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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